Surrendering has been hard for me. There are moments in my life that I have held onto. Unknowingly, out of fear of losing control, I’ve gripped the pavement beneath my feet trying to stand my ground. Fighting my own growth. Fighting a constant reproach to a burden God wants to take from me. I am conquering my fear of letting it all go. How does it feel to be still in the middle of a storm?
Do you want to know how I feel? I am angry. Angry that it still brings me to tears. That, even after seven years I keep hitting this brick wall that this is how it is — that I won’t get the apology I deserve. That I won’t get my time back from standing in county welfare lines. That I won’t get a single bill for necessity or recognition, for opposition in this position. This is a rendition of my emotions in 3D….For every single mother whose had the strength to forgive herself for laying down her most vulnerable moments for a man that can’t even show up on his day to look his child in the eye and say “I’m sorry, I’m late…” So instead he doesn’t show up! He’s nearly 8 years late. And I’ve been holding onto him ever since. Just in case he showed up so I could show him what he’s missed…
I’ve been mad. I’ve been beating myself up. Like this is my bed, I’ll lay in it. It anit even that bad. But it anit been easy. I’ve been mad that its clouded my judgement to see it in her. She is a spitting image of her father. She cringes when they say that. It is like she is bracing herself from words she will not let define her yet I find her eyes as soft as mine. Her anger is like the walls of Jericho, but I pray at the sound of my worship it shall collapse. I am here. I am learning how to surrender. And not so much how it should look but how it should feel…The healing in surrendering. So I’ve been healing. From an anger that rises at the thought of a man, whose blood runs through the one person who gives me inspiration to live. Does he even know what God gave us? Does he even know her favorite food? How she dances? How much she loves people? How she won’t ask for him? How she doesn’t pray for him? How I have to implore if her heart is okay?
I am surrendering...
the thorns in my life.
How does it feel to be still in the middle of a storm?
on my knees when the world is still dark and she sleeps at peace.
My mouth speaks. My God. And He meets. Surrender. How long will your pride keep you at a place of hurt? You are the rose that grew from the concrete. You are standing on the soil that will shake the foundation of a youth nation. That your daughters, daughters will seek after. What’s recognition from a man, to a woman that is aligned with a God that sees her before anyone else. For your endurance for my kingdom not even the world can pay for.
Heaven meets you at 5AM…..
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” -Matthew 11:29